AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Hello Cyber fam.. *warning* this blog may be a taaaaad offensive in language, so if your eyes are sensitive,… then you know what to do….SO LETS JUST SAY, Im not in the best of moods, and I told myself earlier that I was going to try to stay in good spirits despite that my FUCKING EX husband’s debt is being garnished outta my paycheck every 2 weeks! Despite that hes a fucking idiot little boy cunt that wont man up to his responsibilities! Despite that hes an effin NUT CASE! DESPITE that I put UP WITH ALL OF HIS BULLSHYT!,.ALL OF IT! was the good wife!.WAS there for him from the very start! just to be left cold, and abandoned like a baby on a door step… except he didnt even leave no note!    I have been patient! I’ve been OVERLY patient, , I PRAY AND PRAY to God to ask him to take this pain away,  but nothing works! I still come up with the short end of the stick each and EVERY time!.I’m stuck in turmoil… . while he has it made in the shade!..I walk around like a zombie sometimes because I’m afraid to feel anything for anyone, and even tho I do feel things for a certain someone, I cant even express it because its like Ive some how mentally cut off my emotions… i mean they come out at times, but its never permanent…. something triggers the pain and BAM! I explode, and shut back down.. Its like I dont have control over my mind anymore…. but anyway nonetheless I HATE HIS GUTS! , I wish I can just rip out his guts, and then make him EAT his guts! I  try not to use the word hate, but i think i honestly do…  OOOOh and just when thats not already enough to deal with, My current relationship..OH this ones a Dusie…  its BULLshyt after Bullshyt.. NO matter WHAT I say, Or what I do, Its NOT enuff.. I know I have my faults .. but daaaaaaaayum would it kill somebody to take the blame sometime, other than myself??.. or HEY.. how about just an “I’m Sorry for coming at you like that..” For the life of me, I try, but 4 what!? I’m soooooooooo tired of the hurt, the frustrations, the anger.. Im tired of being looked at as the bad person, the mean one, the controlling one, the B*tch… I just wish that someone understood me, and truly walked into my shoes, then maybe I wouldnt be viewed as such things.. but  i guess this is how its going to be, since I cant even seem to get past all of this.. I’d rather be alone.. just ALL alone, because OBVIOUSLY relationships are not 4 me… All I’ve done is just waste time.. I dont even feel like I’ve made ANY progress….All in All,  I just want the hurt to just Go away… and I want to smile again..  If anyone out there is reading.. you dont even have to comment.. just please pray 4 me… hey maybe God will hear your prayers better than my own….

 

Peace..

ITS POETRY Timeee ( A lil note from me to YOU…..”God”)

Hello world, I’m back ONCE again:) Don’t you just love my randomness!, Ne who, SO I’m going to start blogging a little bit different now, Every other day I will post poetry, some new, some old, its just a way for me to compile all of my work thus far in one spot, and what better spot to do it on than my blog:).. And in between Poetry days, I will just blog randomness….. OHH and check out this young lady’s blog that I recently just started following>>>…. ok wait so its below here… ugh wheres the down arrow thingy button??? anywho, you see it.. FOLLOW her and give her mad feedback,… shes the TRUTH, along with me of course lol :).

http://sarahdhenson.wordpress.com/2011/07/31/beautiful-scars/

So here is the poem of the day… well night.. well no actually its morning because its 1:30 in the morning, but I still say night, because its still dark…..DONT JUDGE ME…. Ok here it goes

Waaaaaaaaaait *brief commentary* >> So this poem is pretty much a cry of help, from me to God. Sometimes I feel as if I’m invisible to God, because of my mannny sins, and I sometimes feel as though my prayers arnt being heard, but I’m learning that the devil puts these thoughts into my head, because thats just what he does. I know God is still here, and he still cares for me deeply no matter what I’ve done, and he just wants me to get back on track, and do whats right..I’m a work in progress, and I know one day I will get it right… but until then, pray for me because I’m nuts…. OK so NOW, on to the piece .. NJOY.

Im LOST…

I need help Lord,

What do you want me to do!!?

I feel so disconnected from you..

I’m SAD

Because I need help bad..

I just want to make it

To survive this..

I need some favor

Can I ask of that favor?

I am not worthy of your love

And I don’t deserve it

But thank you for it..

Please make a way

For me to succeed and not be this way..

I don’t want to fail and be led astray..

I just need you in the worst way..

Not tomorrow

Nor yesterday

But TODAY..

I love you

And there’s no one greater

I just hope that you see that, and know this is not just a letter..

It’s a plea

From you daughter

Sincerely yours

Signed,

ME..

 

peace, love, and yelllllllow

The Law of ATTRACTION!!! can you think it?

New Meeeeeeeeeee

Hello, its me again.. yea yea I know (3 months later):/… … But the important thing is that I”M still here ya dig… N E WHO, So, I recently got inspired by something so powerful, I mean its like I was drawn to it almost instantly!  “THE LAW OF ATTRACTION.”  One evening, I was talking to a friend of mine and he began telling me about this thing called The Law of Attraction, and what it has done for his life. So he told me to watch this movie called “THE SECRET”, So I was like coolbeans, I’ll watch it now..(Thank you Netflix:)….Yea so, for a good hour and a half, I was glued to my laptop screen taking in all of this wisdom to apply to my life thus far, and man i tell you , what a life Ive had so far.. smh, but of course everything that I’ve went through.. going through , and WILL go through, Is all for a reason, a divine purpose, and hopefully in the long run I’ll begin to figure what my purpose is. ..The Law of Attraction briefly states that your thoughts become things…Its THAT simple. For example, if you spend all of your time thinking negative thoughts, then you’re sending a negative message to the universe, that will recoil back to you time and time again.. it never fails. Thats why when you see a highly negative person, they look and sound miserable! WHY? because thats all they’re attracting. Its like the saying goes, : you get what you pay for, and in this instance, you get what you think. I, myself recently have jut figured out the true method of “The Secret,” and I’m excited. Now, as simple as this method is, it can also be very difficult to make a habit out of it. Why? Well, its almost 2nd nature for humans to be negative, it doesnt take much effort for a negative thought to pop in our heads, but Ahhh when positivity is involved, its almost as if we have to stop time just to focus on the positive. And I will admit for awhile, I was walking around like a Grinch, just mad at everything, and griping about this or that, and just feeling worthless, and I couldnt understand why on earth was I continuing to feel so awful! I mean all I wanted was happiness, and happy feelings, but I was getting the complete opposite, and it was because my thoughts were still focused on ” Ughhh Im broke, ughhhh school is kicking my ass!, ughhh I just got a divorce(usually most people are excited about getting a divorce especially if their marriage was pure shitty, not saying that mine wasnt… but it wasnt TOTALLY bad, but I alo knew that it was just time for me to move on, and so I did. So instead of thinking of it as failure, I’ll think of it as apart of God’s plan for something much better for my life… But Chea, so all my focus, my thoughts were on the negative things in my life, when they should have been ” I’m thankful, for a full time job, that I can pay my bills, I’m thankful to be in school and almost completing my degree, I’m thankful for second chances at life! I’m thankful for the success I’m having now, and the success that I will have in the near future! I recently wrote out a million dollar check to myself and everyday I look at it and say “YOU”RE MINE,” and think about all the things I will do when I get it, because I truly believe that I will have that and much more one day, and all I have to do is think it, and believe it, and it shall come to pass…WELL FOLKS I think thats about it lol… practice makes perfect, remember, if you think it, you can achieve it! Be grateful for what u have, and look forward to what you WILL have! peace, love, and yelllllllllllllllllllllllllow:p

It’s been a LONG time coming..

I can’t believe it’s been a full 8 months since I’ve graced you with my my presence..I’ve missed you sooooo much you just don’t know.. and A LOT has happened since then, that I dont think one blog entry would cover the vast majority of everything that has, and STILL IS going down in my life. SO I’ll just give you a quick recap.. Since MAY 2010, (wow.. its just so much that has transpired, I do not know where to begin…  Well, for those  who have kept up with my marital drama thus far, know that I’ve FINALLY made the decision to call it quits! Im SO done, and as much as I would like to go into every single detail as to why this is so, I won’t.. It’ll just piss me off ALL over again., and I’m not even trying to put myself through those types of feelings again.. Going through a divorce no matter what the decision was prior to getting a divorce was, it’s still a difficult, heart fucking process to deal with…Point blank, the ish hurts.. more than anyone can even fathom, and even though I’m always thought to be the “strong” type, this whole year I’ve seen myself at my lowest, and I hated it. I still have my moments, but I think I’m beginning to accept my reality, and the thought of “moving” on is looking REALLY good.. I still have a couple kinks and naps to comb out, but I’m looking forward to whats to come.. I’ve never been so in tune to what I truly wanted in SUCH a long time, its scary to actually know that maaaaybe I can really achieve it…  no scratch that.. I CAN achieve it…But this time.. it’s with a lil twist *winks* 🙂 Yea, I know I’m ALWAYS full of surprises.. hell this one may throw a LOT of people for a loop, but I feel this is who I am, and I’ve been fighting (kinda still is) for a verrrrrrrrr*cough* eeeeeeerrrry  long time.. .and I’m sorry in advance for some people who I might hurt in this process, but I have to start living my life for ME, and many people may not accept my lifestyle choices, but only GOD can judge me.. The heart can’t help who or what it loves.. it just LOVES without hesitation, or worry… .. The best is yet to come, and I hope you’ll still be here with me for the ride…. until then my cy-ber fam….

nu nu

PEACE, LOVEEEEE and YELLLLLLLLOW:)

MARRIAGE!!… game over..

MUUUUUUUUAH!

Hello my black, white, yellow, tan, and if you’re ALBINO..hello my invisible lovely people!:). Ok, sorry if that was mean, but I  mean C’mon, theres like no color for Albino peoples so I just made one up!.. SUE me..(well…don’t because it will be a waste of time…) no really it will, because I don’t have anything of value to give, but myself, and um NO, I’m married, you can’t have me!.. Speaking of Marriage… What a friggin subject I tell you. Marriage is bliss, its love, its walking hand in hand down the street, the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and you go to bed holding each other like theres no tomorrow….zzzzzzz BAM!!!!! the alarm clock of reality rings and it wont SHUT UP! You wake up on totally opposite sides of the bed, barely saying two words to each other, no good mornings, or “how did you sleep dear”.. Just BLAH!.. You begin to wonder how did your marriage get to be so… BLAH.. and then you begin to study your marriage and do SO much research like you’re doing a school paper on how you can make it better, you become almost obsessed! It becomes so bad that you pity your life, and what it has become.. NOTHING ever seems to flow right, marriage and all.. If you’re at that point, you’re not alone… In the midst of feeling sorry for yourself and your marriage, DON”T… yea I know easier said than done.. but its that simple. Don’t get consumed with all of the negative thats been going on, but focus on the positive attributes of your mate. Try everyday to be less stubborn, and more loving. Giving someone, let alone your husband/wife the cold shoulder daily will only pull them further and further away, and then you’d REALLY have an issue.. Get to that point where you can talk about anything your heart desires to your mate, AND no matter what subject, your love doesn’t shift. When we become to narrow minded, we are forfeiting  the opportunity to really get to know our spouse. Just because the ring is on the finger does not mean the quest to learn new things about your partner just comes to a HALT,,Now that you’ve won over your lil honey drop.. learn new ,exciting ways to keep him/her tuned in. Don’t take the “I Love you’s ” for granted, but embrace every day as a new day to get to know and be at one with your mate. Marriage CAN indeed be a beautiful thing, once couples learn to stop fighting each other, and be on the same team. You’ve invested a lot of time and effort in your marriage thus far, protect it, and don’t let anyone take it away. If you and your mate are looking at divorce square in the face… TURN around, and stop being lil punks that want to give up at every sign of trouble, because thats just showing how weak both of you are. Remember why you got married in the first place…( hopefully it wasn’t because someone was knocked up and it was the “right” thing to do ) but even so, I know that over time you truly learned to love that person, and nothing is greater than LOVE!.. now, I’m not perfect, and I’m dang sure not an expert …per se, but I’ve been there.. hell I AM there, but when its all said and done, I love my husband in spite of, and I can only pray that we will still be attached 50 years from now, and he will probably STILL be getting on my nerves lol, but when its all said and done, I’d still feel like hes the only one for me, and nothing will ever take away that feeling….. SO, hey… yea YOU.. Go find that one person that makes your heart sing and go love on em… Until next time.. LATER fam..

PEACE< LOVE< & yellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllow:)

PAST POETRY MOMENTS PT. 1

Hey family, Im back again to release some past wordage that I wrote sometime last year when I was going through that whole “separation” phase in my marriage.. all in all, I feel, I had to go through that for a reason to make me an even better person today, so.. here goes..

You like it when I smile don’t you..

You love it when I write about you.

You love everything about me,

from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet..

Just admit it

you adore me..

you crave that attention only from me..

Hell, you’ll do anything JUST to be with me.

Because my personality is unique

and you’ve never seen so much beauty in a chick.

Your dreams are covered with visions of me,

It haunts  you so much you can’t even sleep.

My sweet, soft voice is all you hear..

and you say its not fair

because you feel we’d be the perfect pair..

But I can’t give you what you want this week

because my heart is still attached to last week..

so you stop callin

and its drivin you insane, because you can’t seem to get me outta your brain.

So you start these lil sessions of textin

and life is cool for the moment..

you’re getting in the midst of my shadows

your heart is racing

your palms are sweaty,

you can’t seem to figure out whats happening with your heart lately.

Hell at least you’re showing interest in me,

my current throb’s love tank is on empty..

it has lost it’s fuel, and has left me feeling like fool..

Ive been running blinded, bumping into lies and ” I apologize,” But yes,

deceitful eyes

causing me to roam around, head down cast, in fear that I’ll fall victim to the tears.

You see, yea you want me

you REALLY do

But you not ready to handle the aftermath

from another dude..

Shall we Dannnnce?

la di DEE la di DAA

Greetings Bloggers/Bloggettes 🙂 I just want to say first that April/Spring is Most def here because This pollen is Uber Horrible! So of course I just popped a benadryl so If in about half way through this blog I start making Not a lick of sense.. Just know that I’m drugged beyond repair, and ….. well yea thats it, I’m just drugged, so bear with me… Anywhos, So I just got done watching Ugly betty on HULU.com (hmm thats free advertising, I think I should be getting paid for that) But Chea, Ugly Betty has become one of my favorite Tv shows, besides the Game, George Lopez,The Golden Girls (yes I’m an old soul), and of course GLEE!:)… So as I was watching Ugly Betty, I somewhat started to envy the characters on the show, as if they were actual real lives portrayed on the tube. It was a wedding scene and this lovely song started to play, and the bride and groom went out first to dance. All eyes were fixated on them and then everyone else joined in, even the lil gay boy and his new found boytoy..( I was a lil jealous of that) Well,  it just seemed like everyone was friggin Happyyy.. Like nothing in the world mattered to them, with that one moment of being in the arms of their mate. Slow dancing to the sounds of love..*sighs* But is that really realistic? Are my standards of how love and life is  suppose to be way too high? Am I just suppose to just settle for mediocre? Is “Love” really for me? I would tend to think so, or else I wouldn’t feel like complete POO when  I see others making goo goo eyes at each other and saying sweet nothings to each other.  I think somewhere inside of myself, theres a place that wants good things that come with love,but when one’s soul has been torn down, and ripped to pieces so much, even with the tape and glue that’s holding the pieces together, that “good love” thats trying to get in finds itself slowly seeping out of the cracks, leaving you feeling hopeless. I say there HAS to be away out of this awful cycle… Even now, being married, one would think that your spouse would be the last person to ever want to treat your heart unkind, but, sad to say, a marriage does not immune one from hurt and pain. It hurts even worse, because in your heart you feel that that one person at least should be the one of all ONES. The one thats going to do everything in his/her heart to make your life complete… Isnt that how its suppose to be?? Maybe I AM living in a fairytale…lol.. yea right, I wish. *pops that bubble*…. In the end, everything starts with me.. I keep hearing that stoooopid phrase so it must hold some truth.. So, Ive been praying  solely for myself( Its not as selfish as it sounds).. I’ve been praying that God changes me so that I can learn to accept things just as they are and still be happy… It felt so good today just to smile and laugh.. ALL day, without negativity interrupting.. I pray that everyday, a little piece of the old, vibrant me, with a lotta bit of heaven enters my soul, so that one day my life will be like that of a beautiful Dance, flowing ever so gracefully to a never ending melody.. Live, Laugh, and Love!

PEACE, LOVE<, and Yelllllllllllow:)

Life is a big Classroom..

Poetry in motion..

Hello blog family.. I know you’ve missed me. I feel if no one else would listen to me, then you all would. Its funny sometimes when you find people you’ve spoken to via online  know you and treat you better than those who are physically around. Most people take things like that for granted. But I am appreciative for a place where I can come sort out all of my feelings and thoughts and not be judged or criticized about them. I can honestly say that I am more welcomed in the cy-ber world more so than in the physical one. But any who, on to some serious blogging action.. It has been quite the day, despite a minor emotional set back, I’m alright. God is still working in my life and he is showing me new things everyday. I’m at work and I just came back from a little walk, and i began to sing one of my favorite songs, and then the wind started blowing, and the trees started whistling, and all of a sudden I felt a sudden peace within my soul.. Its like God himself was wrapping his arms around me and whispering in my ear that he sees my pain and my struggles, and he understands. I’m starting to realize that people will degrade you, and say awful things about you, no matter what, and sometimes, its those who are close to you. It hurts when you can’t confide in those people, because of their negativity or lack of consideration. Its also very humorous to me that those SAME people who has done me wrong or  has said hurtful things to me, ALWAYS end up needing me. Let it be via ear, or just for advice, or just for friendship. I hate it when people feel like they’ve got “it” all figured out, and feel like the only way to reach the top is to knock others down just to gain another notch on the totem pole. Well, life doesn’t operate like that. You’ll find yourself stuck in that same spot because no one is willing to help you.   And I’m not going to say that just because some people like to pull me down, doesnt mean that I will pull my hand away from another person who needs it. God will handle my light weight, I just have to learn to keep doing right. I’m no longer afraid of “Lonely.” The type of person that I am, I don’t think I’ll be lonely anyway, because for some reason people are drawn to me, idk, maybe its just the God in me.. People don’t make or break me, only if I allow them to. I strongly believe that God is beginning to take me to higher places in my life, no matter who stays or make a final exit out of my life.. The ball wont stop rolling just because one or two people decide to leave the game ya dig.. There will always be others that will step up to the plate and score. Most people that have learned to shut out the ones that matter the most, end up living a cold, miserable life, and I refuse to be one of those people.. I’m done being miserable and un happy. I’ma start living for me and only me, because when you start living for other people, they’d soon stab you in the back once they’ve got up enough spunk to do so.. But like I always say, you can’t do right mixed up with wrong and expect to get a clean result… Life never cease to amaze me, and everyday I learn just a little bit more about myself and people. . But in the end, everything that happens is for a reason, and all apart of HIS master plan.. so Live, Laugh, and Love.. And i’m outtie

PEACE< LOVE< & YELLLLLLLLLLLOW:)

Untitled Relationship pt.1

Who ARE you?

Where did  you come from?

I look at you, and see no one.. Well No one I use to know.. why? Whats the reason?

It’s a sad feeling

to wake up one day to lose that old feeling,

of the one you once shared your heart with.

ONCE again you look down to find your soul ripped to bits..

Your tears trickle a bit

but not for long,

There’s no use in it

There’s no use to adding to the permanent

stains of tears from the past,

the laughs

the pain

humiliation,

false promises of reconciliation..

Spare me PLEASE!

Just let it be

and let our love sleep..

Go on to be at one with the things that have taken you away from me..

I use to be yet another “queen” in your eyes,

In time I will be just another enemy in your mind.

I never asked you to be perfect,

I didn’t even ask for much,

OH but for you to “COMPROMISE,”

baby that was something you never really wanted to touch.

Well, NO

I’m not going to beg anymore,

or stain my face with remorse.

The life you live has ALWAYS been your choice.

And the hasty decisions you aren’t afraid to voice.

God will ALWAYS be my refuge

and my strength

and I won’t continue to go on thinking my life is jinxed.

Maybe the people in my past was somehow connected on a link,

and I was just too afraid to cut ties.

But I’ve realized that my life doesn’t end

when yet ANOTHER person leaves again..

It does not mean that it’s the end of my story,

it just gives me more reason to give God the Glory,

because I’m just yet another step closer to my victory.

EWW its coming out OF your PORES!

UGH GO PUT A BAND AID ON THAT!

So, It’s been about 2months since I’ve shown my words around here.. once again, I apologize. If only you knew how hectic my present has been.. Well, I finally moved into my apartment.. and I’m absolutely LOVING it:).. It’s very peaceful, and calming I might add. Its been a rough journey, and even though I’m still on my journey, life has gotten a tad better this year, than last year.. Lets face it, I was an emotional, mental wreck I tell ya!. I didnt even know how I would make it in the new year, but God has been wonderful, and I am forever grateful for him. And NO its not like my life is even close to perfect at the moment either, I’m just grateful that he hasnt left me alone.  As the weeks, months go by ever so fast this year, I’ve finally made the choice to try more than ever to be more “christ-like” I guess.. Now I have my faults and what not, but half the junk I did last year, and the people that influenced me last year, is in the making of being erased out of my life. Eff the dumb ish.. and Ive also battled long and hard about my drinking. I think thats one of the main negative things that I have been battling with for so long now, and Ive gotten out of control with it. Someone recently told me, that I’m the “happiest” when I drink.. wow.. is my sober life that horrible that I have to DRINK to be happy? Something is totally wrong with that.. I’m tired of being labeled an “Alchy”.. Next I’ll be labeled the neighborhood drunk! lol.. gheez, I’m not even trying to play myself like that.. well not anymore.. I was also thinking more so on a spiritual level as to why I made the decision to quit drinking. Peep this… God made everyone in his image, and God is pure. Once we start poisoning our own bodies and minds with toxic crap such as ALCOHOL, DRUGS, CURSE Words, and premarital sex, then in turn we subconsciously and spiritually draw farther and farther away from God and the likeliness of Him.The devil is just sitting back laughing his FUGLY self to pieces at people, because we are willingly killing ourselves, and its making his job so much easier…. WAKE UP people.. you’re being friggin BAMBOOZLED!  If we don’t care what happens to our bodies and minds, and we don’t put forth an effort to change, then why would God care. He probably looks at it like this: “Man! I sure wouldn’t have spent all of that time creating and molding him/her to be immaculate if they’re just going to self destroy themselves!” What one puts in their body and mind, will start to reflect on the outside, and that my friends is not a pretty sight and that would kind of make God’s work look crappy over time, and I’m not trying to have My God look bad, especially when he gives me air to breathe everyday, and does things for me that no one has or can ever do for me. Take it from me, I’ve done my share of self destructing things, and even to this day, I struggle with things, but I continue to pray and ask God to guide me thorough the fog, so that I may see the light. I’m not trying to be one of those People who pray and read their Bible one day, and curse, smoke and drink the next day. BUMP that one.. get real or get lost.. I’m done being a half way Christian.. and I’m done dealing with Half way people.. If I have to be by myself on this journey, then that’s what I’m going to do… I’m tired of going back and forth.. back and forth…and  BACK AND FORTH.. If I keep doing that, I will never be taken seriously, by God or people….Ive always depended on no one but God, because yes, still in the end.. Man will let you down time and time again.. But that’s what happens when you take your eyes completely off The one who gives you life..  But anyway.. that’s enough of me speaking truth  today.. I have to give it to you all in teaspoons.. Most people can’t handle it in tablespoons ya dig*wink*..  Later fam…

Peace, love and yelllllllllllow:)